The Write-or-Die Show is a podcast and Youtube channel where we openly discuss mental health, the truths, the difficulties and strategies to cope. My last appearance was on the One Woman Fearless Virtual Summit. In this episode, I talk about my choices and mental health challenges, body image issues, as well as how I was able to cope through suicide with depression and find self-love. Through listening you could also feel inspired to begin a process of self-reflection and healing.
Seeking Mental Health
We started by talking about my personal experiences with mental health. I am a huge advocate for seeking a therapist or a counselor or any mental health professional. This is because there have been many tough situations I faced including marriages that did not work. I went through a phase of trying to fix everyone else’s situation and pouring my all into everyone else so I felt drained and it lead to a lot of anxiety and depression. I had rejection issues, abandonment issues and self-worth issues. I had to go back and relive my life to uncover where these issues came from.
I remembered my first mental health therapist. She was the very first one who said to me “Kimberly, I’m sorry you went through that” after hearing my story. I just broke down and cried and she gave me the release and sense of fulfillment that I needed to understand that some things were beyond my control and not my fault.
The host commented on how we tend to think these horrible things happen because of us and we are depressed because of the belief that we are the horrible person or we are what’s wrong with the situation. But that is not true. It is not your fault, sh*t happens and it is all about how we internalize it.
“I am not responsible for anyone else’s behavior or actions done to me but what I am responsible for… is how I react, how I behave and the things that I do.”
Confronting Suicide with Depression
The host spoke about how her brother passed away from an overdose and her mom would always blame other people for it. His life wasn’t easy but it was still his choice to get the drugs. He never made the choice to seek mental health and seek a therapist. When the host had suicidal thoughts as well, she had to make a choice to either listen to her brain or seek a therapist.
I have also had suicidal thoughts that were about to become a reality. I had the knife in my hand thinking that no one understands this hurt and this pain, and this life was not worth it. I was ready to end it but I had the choice to question whether I wanted to deal with the actions and behaviors of others and the pain it brought me. But at the end of the day, there had to be a better way through because pain, hurt and disappointment are natural things that happen, but at the same time, we are going to have to be able to cope with it.
The host asked what lead up to it and what made me put it down?
It was everything. Including the ending of a relationship that I poured so much of myself into. I also felt the pressure of being so responsible for my children’s success, their future and feeling like I was not doing enough. I felt the pressure was just unbearable to deal with. It was very scary for me and hurtful.
The host commented that suicide is not about wanting to die, it is about the pain and not knowing any another way to make the pain stop.
I recalled the event with the kife in my hand. I remembered the look in my little girl’s eyes and she grabbed my hand saying “mommy NO!”. Even when I let it go and got in the car, I cried out to God who I depend on everyday and said:
“Lord I need you to help me, I need you to give me the strength, I know you already feel and see what i’m going through, I can’t do this, I really need you.”
I had to completely surrender to my higher power. It didn’t end there, it had to be a process. I had to start building my spirituality with God…
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