What a joy it was to speak with Randi for my interview on the Write or Die show! Her openness and honesty make it a safe place to openly talk about important things, like how to deal with depression. I am so grateful for the opportunity to speak with her about my own story, to find points of connection between us, and to do my part to end the stigma.
Author Michael J Sholtes
The best and most important coping skill I use to deal with my ongoing depression is the simple act of opening up and talking to people. I have learned over the years that it’s the most important element of managing my mental health. Note that I say this is simple, not easy. This can sometimes be the most difficult and frightening thing in the world! It’s so tempting to think that we must figure everything out ourselves and pretend everything’s fine. Depression often tells me that it’s not worth it to share, that I’m not worth it. But when I can get the energy and the courage to open up, there is hope there. Whether it’s to my counselor or my spiritual director, a friend or my wife, my congregation, or a podcast host, opening up is so helpful. It’s risky, but it also changes the world.
I’ve also opened up in book form. Darkwater: A Pastor’s Memoir of Depression and Faith is brutally honest – I describe in great detail two suicide attempts and their aftermath. (As well as lots of other difficult and humorous times in my life.) But it’s also filled with hope as I slowly learn that there is hope and love for me and that I am capable of sharing it. Buy it at Amazon, or check out my website for more information about it and other things I write.
After my first appearance on the Write or Die Show last year, I have been counting down to when I could come back on the show. Talking with Randi on camera and off is a very natural and fun experience. She really does a great job of cultivating a space where her guests can delve into their experiences with mental illness and being a writer as deeply or as casually as they’d like without judgment. This is especially important and special to me as someone whose work focuses on themes of trauma and healing. Frankly, Write or Die Show is becoming a little reward for me after finishing a book!
For those looking for a serious coping strategy, one of my heavy hitters is from a clinical psychologist and tarot reader Jessica Dore. When you’re in a really f*cked situation, ask yourself, “What would I do if I could accept this?” There are times when we’re in such an upsetting and debilitating situation that all we can do is fixate on how awful it is. “Why is this happening?”, “This can’t be happening”, “What did I do to deserve this?”. It’s all part of the denial stage of grief. We can’t force ourselves past that stage, but real life doesn’t always wait. Asking ourselves what we would do if we could accept what was happening was real gives us an out, a sense of control. Maybe you’re still in that denial stage, but now you’ve imagined a version of yourself that isn’t. You can move forward and do what needs to be done. Remember: You’ve dealt with some sh*t before, and you’ll deal with some sh*t again. You’ll always make it out the other side.
If you’re into the kind of character-driven stories where characters find themselves in more than a few of these kinds of situations, check out my Queen of Magic series!
The Write-or-Die Show is a podcast and Youtube channel where we openly discuss mental health, the truths, the difficulties and strategies to cope. My last appearance was on the One Woman Fearless Virtual Summit. In this episode, I talk about my choices and mental health challenges, body image issues, as well as how I was able to cope through suicide with depression and find self-love. Through listening you could also feel inspired to begin a process of self-reflection and healing.
Seeking Mental Health
We started by talking about my personal experiences with mental health. I am a huge advocate for seeking a therapist or a counselor or any mental health professional. This is because there have been many tough situations I faced including marriages that did not work. I went through a phase of trying to fix everyone else’s situation and pouring my all into everyone else so I felt drained and it lead to a lot of anxiety and depression. I had rejection issues, abandonment issues and self-worth issues. I had to go back and relive my life to uncover where these issues came from.
I remembered my first mental health therapist. She was the very first one who said to me “Kimberly, I’m sorry you went through that” after hearing my story. I just broke down and cried and she gave me the release and sense of fulfillment that I needed to understand that some things were beyond my control and not my fault.
The host commented on how we tend to think these horrible things happen because of us and we are depressed because of the belief that we are the horrible person or we are what’s wrong with the situation. But that is not true. It is not your fault, sh*t happens and it is all about how we internalize it.
“I am not responsible for anyone else’s behavior or actions done to me but what I am responsible for… is how I react, how I behave and the things that I do.”
Confronting Suicide with Depression
The host spoke about how her brother passed away from an overdose and her mom would always blame other people for it. His life wasn’t easy but it was still his choice to get the drugs. He never made the choice to seek mental health and seek a therapist. When the host had suicidal thoughts as well, she had to make a choice to either listen to her brain or seek a therapist.
I have also had suicidal thoughts that were about to become a reality. I had the knife in my hand thinking that no one understands this hurt and this pain, and this life was not worth it. I was ready to end it but I had the choice to question whether I wanted to deal with the actions and behaviors of others and the pain it brought me. But at the end of the day, there had to be a better way through because pain, hurt and disappointment are natural things that happen, but at the same time, we are going to have to be able to cope with it.
The host asked what lead up to it and what made me put it down?
It was everything. Including the ending of a relationship that I poured so much of myself into. I also felt the pressure of being so responsible for my children’s success, their future and feeling like I was not doing enough. I felt the pressure was just unbearable to deal with. It was very scary for me and hurtful.
The host commented that suicide is not about wanting to die, it is about the pain and not knowing any another way to make the pain stop.
I recalled the event with the kife in my hand. I remembered the look in my little girl’s eyes and she grabbed my hand saying “mommy NO!”. Even when I let it go and got in the car, I cried out to God who I depend on everyday and said:
“Lord I need you to help me, I need you to give me the strength, I know you already feel and see what i’m going through, I can’t do this, I really need you.”
~ KIM
I had to completely surrender to my higher power. It didn’t end there, it had to be a process. I had to start building my spirituality with God…
My name is Jeremiah Ukponrefe and I made an appearance on the write or die show speaking about my experience with depression.
Being on the show was outside of my comfort zone, but also a positive experience. I have not spoken publicly about my depression before, but simply talking to another person made it easier.
My main strategy for treating depression is staying busy in all areas of my life and finding balance. For me building an active social life, and getting out of the house is essential, to the point where I find being out of the house for a minimum of five days of the week is effective. There are multiple ways of doing this, it might mean going to a concert or through an exercise that requires other people like boxing or soccer. My happiness is often the culmination of multiple things, not just exercise or socializing, but a consistent effort each and every day to be better.
Another thing to note is that it will never truly be perfect. There will be slip-ups and bad days, and I remind myself that at no point will I ever be at my best moments forever, the same way that my lowest moments will not always be the norm, and through trial and error it becomes easier to find what works for the individual.
My book Hive is available now, the novel is about a world where an alien invasion occurred that humanity nearly defeated, and what happens when it turns out that not only is the alien not gone, but it holds far more secrets than humanity originally believed.
More on me can be found at my social media links and to find my book Hive it can be found at Amazon or my website
For updates on my upcoming book Finite the second book in The Arcane Volumes, or for a free preview of Hive join my email list by going to my website at www.jeremiahu.com
Opening up to a stranger about personal and private health conditions, especially those that carry a stigma, is the easy part. Randi, allowed me to talk and she understands what I’ve been through as she has experienced the same. If my story can help others become stronger and motivated and even break through the dark cloud, then I’m happy to share my private issues. What I found the hardest about this experience is pressing that share button. Do I allow my family and virtual friends to watch this, to know the other side of Karina Kantas? To see the tears behind the smile. To open up the door and allow them into my issues. There are some that I wouldn’t want to watch the podcast, and I doubt they would be bothered to click and watch or listen. But it’s scary to put yourself out there to the public, but the only reason I do is in the hope that my story can help someone.
When I’m feeling low, like I have been these last few days, I keep in mind, that once I come out of this dark cloud, I’ll be happy again. There’s no reason for me to feel sad or cry as I have been. I just know it’s just that time of year. I’ll keep myself busy and surround myself with family and wait it out.
Even if my story helps one person, then that’s all I want to get out of this. However, if you want to check out my books. Please do. There’s something for everyone over there. https://books2read.com/u/3kegRR http://bit.ly/KarinaKantas
And if anyone would like to get in touch with me. Find me on Facebook. http://bit.ly/FBFPKK
If you told me two years ago that I would write a book and be participating in a youtube interview about that book I would have told you “no way”. You see, I believed that because I hadn’t mastered life, no one would want to listen to me. I wasn’t famous, I wasn’t a celebrity. I didn’t have it all figured out just yet. That is what makes the Write or Die Show so special. It celebrates people who have had life challenges and now are seeing the other side of what can be possible in life.
Speaking to Randi-Lee was like sitting down and having coffee with a friend. She reminded me of why I wrote Conquering the Undertow in the first place. Life can be so much more than just existing, moving from one day to the next. When we stop questioning life, and instead just accept that this is how it is, are we living life or is life just happening for us?
I believe one of the best things you can do is observe how you relate to yourself.
● Where in life do you settle for a fine or ok experience? ● What physical symptoms do you just deal with as being part of your body? ● Do you accept all emotions as useful or feel disappointed in yourself when you feel sad or angry?
My best coping tip is to slow down and ask yourself how present you are being. When you walked home did you stop and notice the people around you or were you too consumed with your own thoughts. Stop and really taste that sandwich choosing to only focus on the hot bread in your mouth. I suffer from anxiety so I know this can be difficult but you need to train your brain. Stop running and take in the sunset. Feel the blood flowing through your veins.
