What a joy it was to speak with Randi for my interview on the Write or Die show! Her openness and honesty make it a safe place to openly talk about important things, like how to deal with depression. I am so grateful for the opportunity to speak with her about my own story, to find points of connection between us, and to do my part to end the stigma.
Author Michael J Sholtes
The best and most important coping skill I use to deal with my ongoing depression is the simple act of opening up and talking to people. I have learned over the years that it’s the most important element of managing my mental health. Note that I say this is simple, not easy. This can sometimes be the most difficult and frightening thing in the world! It’s so tempting to think that we must figure everything out ourselves and pretend everything’s fine. Depression often tells me that it’s not worth it to share, that I’m not worth it. But when I can get the energy and the courage to open up, there is hope there. Whether it’s to my counselor or my spiritual director, a friend or my wife, my congregation, or a podcast host, opening up is so helpful. It’s risky, but it also changes the world.
I’ve also opened up in book form. Darkwater: A Pastor’s Memoir of Depression and Faith is brutally honest – I describe in great detail two suicide attempts and their aftermath. (As well as lots of other difficult and humorous times in my life.) But it’s also filled with hope as I slowly learn that there is hope and love for me and that I am capable of sharing it. Buy it at Amazon, or check out my website for more information about it and other things I write.
After my first appearance on the Write or Die Show last year, I have been counting down to when I could come back on the show. Talking with Randi on camera and off is a very natural and fun experience. She really does a great job of cultivating a space where her guests can delve into their experiences with mental illness and being a writer as deeply or as casually as they’d like without judgment. This is especially important and special to me as someone whose work focuses on themes of trauma and healing. Frankly, Write or Die Show is becoming a little reward for me after finishing a book!
For those looking for a serious coping strategy, one of my heavy hitters is from a clinical psychologist and tarot reader Jessica Dore. When you’re in a really f*cked situation, ask yourself, “What would I do if I could accept this?” There are times when we’re in such an upsetting and debilitating situation that all we can do is fixate on how awful it is. “Why is this happening?”, “This can’t be happening”, “What did I do to deserve this?”. It’s all part of the denial stage of grief. We can’t force ourselves past that stage, but real life doesn’t always wait. Asking ourselves what we would do if we could accept what was happening was real gives us an out, a sense of control. Maybe you’re still in that denial stage, but now you’ve imagined a version of yourself that isn’t. You can move forward and do what needs to be done. Remember: You’ve dealt with some sh*t before, and you’ll deal with some sh*t again. You’ll always make it out the other side.
If you’re into the kind of character-driven stories where characters find themselves in more than a few of these kinds of situations, check out my Queen of Magic series!
The Write-or-Die Show is a podcast and Youtube channel where we openly discuss mental health, the truths, the difficulties and strategies to cope. My last appearance was on the One Woman Fearless Virtual Summit. In this episode, I talk about my choices and mental health challenges, body image issues, as well as how I was able to cope through suicide with depression and find self-love. Through listening you could also feel inspired to begin a process of self-reflection and healing.
Seeking Mental Health
We started by talking about my personal experiences with mental health. I am a huge advocate for seeking a therapist or a counselor or any mental health professional. This is because there have been many tough situations I faced including marriages that did not work. I went through a phase of trying to fix everyone else’s situation and pouring my all into everyone else so I felt drained and it lead to a lot of anxiety and depression. I had rejection issues, abandonment issues and self-worth issues. I had to go back and relive my life to uncover where these issues came from.
I remembered my first mental health therapist. She was the very first one who said to me “Kimberly, I’m sorry you went through that” after hearing my story. I just broke down and cried and she gave me the release and sense of fulfillment that I needed to understand that some things were beyond my control and not my fault.
The host commented on how we tend to think these horrible things happen because of us and we are depressed because of the belief that we are the horrible person or we are what’s wrong with the situation. But that is not true. It is not your fault, sh*t happens and it is all about how we internalize it.
“I am not responsible for anyone else’s behavior or actions done to me but what I am responsible for… is how I react, how I behave and the things that I do.”
Confronting Suicide with Depression
The host spoke about how her brother passed away from an overdose and her mom would always blame other people for it. His life wasn’t easy but it was still his choice to get the drugs. He never made the choice to seek mental health and seek a therapist. When the host had suicidal thoughts as well, she had to make a choice to either listen to her brain or seek a therapist.
I have also had suicidal thoughts that were about to become a reality. I had the knife in my hand thinking that no one understands this hurt and this pain, and this life was not worth it. I was ready to end it but I had the choice to question whether I wanted to deal with the actions and behaviors of others and the pain it brought me. But at the end of the day, there had to be a better way through because pain, hurt and disappointment are natural things that happen, but at the same time, we are going to have to be able to cope with it.
The host asked what lead up to it and what made me put it down?
It was everything. Including the ending of a relationship that I poured so much of myself into. I also felt the pressure of being so responsible for my children’s success, their future and feeling like I was not doing enough. I felt the pressure was just unbearable to deal with. It was very scary for me and hurtful.
The host commented that suicide is not about wanting to die, it is about the pain and not knowing any another way to make the pain stop.
I recalled the event with the kife in my hand. I remembered the look in my little girl’s eyes and she grabbed my hand saying “mommy NO!”. Even when I let it go and got in the car, I cried out to God who I depend on everyday and said:
“Lord I need you to help me, I need you to give me the strength, I know you already feel and see what i’m going through, I can’t do this, I really need you.”
~ KIM
I had to completely surrender to my higher power. It didn’t end there, it had to be a process. I had to start building my spirituality with God…
My name is Jeremiah Ukponrefe and I made an appearance on the write or die show speaking about my experience with depression.
Being on the show was outside of my comfort zone, but also a positive experience. I have not spoken publicly about my depression before, but simply talking to another person made it easier.
My main strategy for treating depression is staying busy in all areas of my life and finding balance. For me building an active social life, and getting out of the house is essential, to the point where I find being out of the house for a minimum of five days of the week is effective. There are multiple ways of doing this, it might mean going to a concert or through an exercise that requires other people like boxing or soccer. My happiness is often the culmination of multiple things, not just exercise or socializing, but a consistent effort each and every day to be better.
Another thing to note is that it will never truly be perfect. There will be slip-ups and bad days, and I remind myself that at no point will I ever be at my best moments forever, the same way that my lowest moments will not always be the norm, and through trial and error it becomes easier to find what works for the individual.
My book Hive is available now, the novel is about a world where an alien invasion occurred that humanity nearly defeated, and what happens when it turns out that not only is the alien not gone, but it holds far more secrets than humanity originally believed.
More on me can be found at my social media links and to find my book Hive it can be found at Amazon or my website
For updates on my upcoming book Finite the second book in The Arcane Volumes, or for a free preview of Hive join my email list by going to my website at www.jeremiahu.com
Being on the Write or Die show was my VERY first podcast appearance of all time. VERY exciting for me, indeed!
My name is Samantha. I go by Sam and use she/her pronouns. I’m from Welland, Ontario and a current resident of St Catharines, ON. I am a mental health warrior, a survivor of addiction, and a fierce advocate for and lover of people. I hope you’re feeling well today, whatever that means for you.
Some super important things we covered in this episode were Borderline Personality Disorder, which is something I live with, and the 9 different traits associated with it:
An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection
A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel
Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don’t exist at all
Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours
Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship
Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection
Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
Ongoing feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights
In the show we also talked about relationships and I’d like to take a moment to explain a little bit about how BPD caused problems for me in mine.
Because I entered teen years/early adulthood with this very powerful fear of abandonment, I had this tendency to latch onto guys who weren’t the greatest for me because, as we talked about in the show, being with someone was better than being single, or so was my belief at the time. Because I was soooooo afraid of rejection, I was constantly seeking a long-term permanent relationship, and sometimes that didn’t lead me to the greatest outcomes. My takeaway for you is this:
If you are deeply afraid of being alone, you are NOT ALONE. There are so many of us who live with these deep feelings everyday. There are ways to maintain and keep connections with fellow humans without abandoning your self-respect, your dignity, your value, and without changing your personality. Often the most genuine, authentic and fulfilling relationships are the ones where you DON’T have to give up any of these things.
A relationship will not save you. No one is more capable of taking care of you the WAY you are. ONLY YOU can meet your needs for care, compassion and love in the way that you need. If you have NO idea how to do any of these things, again you are NOT ALONE here. It takes time, it’s a process, and you matter enough to go through that process. Your first step can be making that call for therapy if that’s something you think might benefit you. It can be following certain people on social channels for inspiration and motivation. It can be just getting out of bed. That is OKAY! You matter enough to show yourself some love! I am a firm believer that we all have that deep love inside of us, that maybe we need to learn some tools to access it, and that’s okay. That love is always there when we need it. But it cannot come from someone else. Of course, it’s wonderful to be loved and supported and I am in no way suggesting you rid yourself of people who love you, and who love you well. Support is KEY. My point is that no one can help us, take care of us, and love us better than we can because no one knows our needs more than we do.
I mean I could go on and on about this for a long time, but I also want you to enjoy your day. So! I’m so honoured and SO PUMPED that I got to be on this incredible podcast, with an incredible leader having incredible conversations. It was a gift to be able to share parts of my story in a safe, open, welcoming space. Thank you Randi-Lee for everything you do! You are inspiring.
If you, like me, have a hard time dealing with difficult emotions, might feel like you want to get therapy but aren’t sure, feel like you might rely on alcohol or other substances a little more than what feels good for you and want to talk about it with someone, I invite you to reach out to me! I’m more than happy to walk you through a thing or two and provide you with some resources, should that be what you need. My email is sammarchionda@gmail.com.
I had the pleasure of being invited as a guest on the Write or Die Show several months back. It was my first interview about my horror trilogy (Preternatural), and was also going to cover some very sensitive and extremely personal topics concerning mental health. So I was nervous as a cat walking into it, but Randi ran the entire thing so well, that I felt completely at ease. I opened up quite a bit and was as honest as possible, which was made so much easier with her encouragement. I think we actually spoke for an extra 30 minutes beyond the actual interview, and both had a blast.
I also really want to emphasize that the things said during my interview are my lived experiences. I am not claiming to be an expert of any kind, but hope that my experiences can be of use to others. Even though Randi and I joked a bit, we did so to create a warm, inviting environment to discuss my mental health struggles which included PTSD, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, alcohol and drug abuse, etc. Having been through my own journey, stemming from an upbringing centered on stigmas about the topic, discouraging mental health services, and being taught to just ‘act normal,’ I know how hard it can be to change your mindset. But I encourage anyone who thinks they may be having a mental health challenge to reach out and talk to any of the multitude of appropriate professionals for the proper treatment options. Mental health is a very critical part of overall well being and everyone deserves to feel their best.
